My world, with you in it, is upside down. Nothing is where it should be, and everything is where it shouldn't be. It feels wrong. Forced and unnatural. Like breathing through your ears, so you don't breathe.
And yet, without you in it, it's dark. Menacing and odd, devoid of comfort. And love. Dark and menacing and odd and devoid of comfort and love and yet, mine.
Mine. Not ours. Mine.
You push me to rebel. Against you. Against myself. Against everything that holds us together.
Or maybe I'm just pushing myself.
My world, with you in it, has a me that I do not know.
I do not like.
My world, without you in it, is big, spacious. And forgiving. Challenging, inspiring. Egging me to get up, pick myself up, get out there and do it.
My world, with you in it, assures me its quiet ok to stay down. Whats out there anyway. We have us. What more could we want?
I have all the answers I need. Right here waiting for me to pick them up.
I don’t think I can force myself out of bed in the morning, after yet another restless night because the dog was barking nonstop throughout the night, to go to a job I loathe and have completely lost any remaining enthusiasm/faith in, to calling up friends I have after hours, calls that are not always based on favoritism or any actual emotion other than boredom, just to engage myself in conversation with other people that will let me escape my head for a while. Keep that mouth moving, engross yourself in fake laughter and stupid talk and you won't be doing any thinking while you're at it. And then go back to the place they call home, and have that fist lodge itself in my throat till I wake up the next morning.
I am sick of being petty and bitter, of being confused and indecisive. Of not knowing what I want or who I want to be with or who I am anymore. I am sick of seeing a reflection of myself in others faces that I do not recognize at all, that repulses me. I am sick of being abandoned by family and friends, of feeling discarded. I am sick of being so angry all the time, and whiny and repetitive. I am sick of doing things over and over again, seeing people over and over again, just to pass the goddamn time. Just to be doing something. Just to get away. And not notice that all the real things I have left, are all ugly little fragments of an ill life I do not want.
I honestly don't think I can do it anymore. I'm taking a sabbatical.
You manage to trick yourself into believing something in a certain way and you get totally encompassed in that belief. It becomes your truth that everything else answers to, rather than a well constructed cocoon you seal tightly around yourself. And you go on, soldier on without blinking, safe and warm and fuzzy inside, protected.
Denial is a bitch.
Because there will come a time when it will fall away and crumble, the masks, the charades. There will be a moment of recognition and it will be over then. Denial is a bitch because it doesn’t last.
The people in your life will drive you mad. Those you love, and those you don't.
You can get preachy/dreamy. Something along the lines of "… and along the way so many people drift away, so many get immersed in their different lives. You just have to be aware of that, and hold those dear to your heart close and just disregard the rest."
You can get angry,"… and if they never appreciate you, and if they're too blind/self-absorbed/limited then well, fuck them and they can have a fucking wonderful life away the fuck from me. Fucking bastards."
You can get wounded and self-pitying,"… but I tried to be there for them, and yet they weren't anything more than a sorry bunch of condescending ungrateful, belittling judgmental senile bunch!."
My usual mix is a lot of anger and a hearty dose of the self-pity. And yet the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. No, I'm a little grown up and a little wiser and I've decided to just get real.
Yes, people do grow apart and different. No, it's never an excuse to neglect your friends. Yes, some people are self-absorbed by nature. No, that’s not an excuse to be dismissive towards the people you love. Yes, you are likely screwing someone without even realizing it. No, it's not the end of the world, you can make it better (well, sometimes anyway). Yes, you may feel like self-righteous perfection at times. No, you're probably not. Yes, it may feel like everything/one is scattered. No, they're probably not.
People are different and you will never please everyone. Not everyone you love will love you back just as much. And yet, it will all come back to you, the good and the bad, somehow sometime. Karma. Yes, that I'm sure of.
So how do you get out of that confusing, confusing place *eye roll*? Acceptance.
Accept that well, you can't force friendships. Or love. Or good into a sick heart or mind. People will not dramatically change. You will not dramatically change. And you are probably everything you think you are, even if someone occasionally judges you for what you are not.
Accept that karma works in mysterious ways, and that all the good/bad you do will eventually be unleashed onto you too. You will always get what you deserve. Accept that the good that you do will never be returned to you in the exact same way. No matter how hard you demand it is and stamp your feet. Accept that it will surely come back to you, but in different ways than you might expect.
Accept that you will probably never be appreciated when you think appreciation is due. Maybe it's because the other side's blind, maybe it's because you don't really deserve it. Accept how humbling that is.
Accept that your life will shuffle and re-arrange itself every once in a while. Accept the people gone, the re-assigned roles, accept new. Accept the change.
And with that acceptance, you grow up a little bit. And you take comfort knowing that everything will happen at its own pace, and everyone is probably right where they belong.You just need to pay attention.
You learn to just ...do the things you think are right, and love the people you love and to just.. be. The rest will fall into place.
You are wonderful. and terrible. And everything in between.
