Tuesday, August 11, 2015

How To Be Cruel 101



One day, I too will break your heart in a million pieces so tiny, you will never, ever, be able to put it back together.

I promise.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

حقيقة علمية: الكون لا يتوقف عن الدوران

اكره ذكرياتى.. كلها
ابعثرها كما يبعثر الخريف أوراق الشجر
اظل ابحث بلا هوادة عن شئ ما لا أعرفه
وبلا جدوى عن نهاية او بداية او مُلتقى

قد تصبح الأحلام هى مقتلى
وقد يكون دهرى قد ولى منذ زمن
ولم أنتبه
فانا لا أنتبه
إلا لما قد يوقظ فى سعار الإحتضار

العالم اجمع قد أجمع أنى بلا فائدة
و الباقية تفاصيل حتمية لابد ان تُسرد قبل النهاية
و هانا استهتر بكل مالا املك
و اتمسك بالهذيان

اقف على أعلى قممى روحى
:و أصرخ بأعلى ما أتيت من صمت
دعينى أكون
..و لكنى ابداً لا انتظر الرد.. و ابدأ بالسقوط



لندن فى ٣ مارس ٢٠١٤*

*إعتذار واجب عن الهمزات و التشكيل. معلش.

Monday, February 3, 2014

on crashing and other things


You’re doing fine and the next second you feel an overwhelming wave crash over you and you’re having trouble breathing. For a whole minute you are trapped; thinking you will never, ever make it or function properly again. You think: it will kill me, there is no way I can survive this unbroken. Bewildered and terrified, it will be one of the worst moments of your life.

You will make it out alive. You just need to remind yourself how it ends next time it happens.

….

It starts in your heart. A sting. Brought on by a favorite song that has always moved you, a kissing couple in the subway. Flicking a cigarette and catching sigh of your hand. Then it spreads, all over. It takes you over within a minute and you find yourself involuntary disconnected from everything around you, acutely aware of how hollow you have become. You feel a thousand years old worth of yearning, and the force of a hundred suns holding you back, restraining you, in the here and now. The here and now.

It fades away. But it comes back stronger. Always.

….

A terminal search for silence. And because quietness and peace are not always synonymous, there seems to be a need for a pacifier. It’s an incredible gift to know how to be still. What's even more incredible, is to know how to teach it.

….

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

the curled ball in the corner


Sometimes it takes you a while to understand yourself, to decipher the code. To understand for example, that you are extremely sensitive to change, way more than your average person. To understand that your mood swings are not the end of the world, and that it takes work and practice to navigate them, that it might be hard work but not entirely impossible.  

Growing up is hard, it’s about choices. And picking up yourself when your choices fail you. When you fail you. It’s about making up your mind and deciding. It’s about learning your own controls.

Sometimes you wake up and the world has ganged up on you, and there is not a shred of comfort to be found anywhere, not even within the safe havens of your mind. Sometimes, you will turn to the person closest to your heart for comfort. Most times, you won’t find it. The problem with people who feel too much is their un-quenchable thirst for sincerity is often misleading. You will never touch the other side so long as you keep your glass doors and expectations up so high. Don’t be genuine, be human. Don’t be perfect, be the somebody they need you to be. Then disappear. No one will notice anyway.

Stop feeling. Stop feeling everything tug at your soul. Stop feeling under your skin. Learn the wonders of superficiality. Learn not to care. This is urgent: learn not to care. Stop breaking your own heart. Fool.

I am on the brink of completely losing interest in the world.




Friday, September 6, 2013

Home


Today, I sat in a little café in Cairo’s downtown that is centuries older than I am. I watched as every reason why I fell in love with this city passed by my window seat. I thought about how beautiful the people were, how resilient and brave to still find the courage to laugh in the midst of all this, and that, chaos. I thought about all the reasons I had forgotten to remember that I’m in love with this place, have been for as long as I have been alive. Today, I said my own little early goodbye and I said a little prayer: I hope you don’t forget me while I’m away.

Cairo, I love you.


Sunday, May 26, 2013

The unimaginable


On so many levels beyond the subject of this particular piece, who I am now is so completely different from who I used to be, and I’m pretty sure from what I will become in a bit. So many of my convictions have drastically changed and turned around, so many ideas turned out to be completely ridiculous and so many thoughts were replaced by age-wise revelations. I am almost someone else.

I used to think I never wanted to be “normal”, I never wanted to conform. I never wanted to be the good, obedient daughter or the good obedient wife or student or society member or anything. I never wanted to do things according to everybody else. And I never wanted to get married. Actually that’s an understatement. I NEVER EVER, EVER NOT IN A GAZILLION YEARS wanted to get married. I passionately disbelieve in the organization of marriage, I have seen so many failed examples, and the survivors are not very encouraging examples of success, they are usually ghosts, washed-out versions of themselves who have completely lost their identity. It doesn’t make sense to me. No, I will never get married.

Well, not so much anymore.

I still don’t want to conform. I still don’t want to be like everybody else, senselessly traditional and unhappy. I still don’t want to be normal. I still want to be me and my own person and not someone’s anything.

But, I am getting married.

It doesn’t make sense really, I still think it’s a terrible organization, I still know very, very few people who have come out of it unscathed. But, and there’s a huge but, I found someone. I found my person. I found someone who makes me (and everybody else, really) laugh hardest all the time. I found someone who is the most supportive someone I know. I found someone who has stuck with me through thick and thin. Someone reliable. Someone kind and real. I found someone who loves me unconditionally, despite all my flaws. I found someone I can trust with my life.

And as he likes to say, someone who likes the chicken leg to my chicken breast. (don’t try.)

And it makes a little more sense now.

That it doesn’t necessarily have to mean you hand over your own ID badge and cease to exist. That’s just silly. That it’s not about “making it” or succeeding, or producing the perfect “family” (shudders!) or being just like everybody else. Its simpler really, it’s about finding someone you love and never wanting to let them go. The rest is manageable. And if its not, at least I have someone who laughs at it with me.

I'M GETTING MARRIED.

Yay!