Thursday, September 6, 2012

little bubbles of peace

Steaming coffee, beautiful Fairouz’s voice soothing into my soul, my new laptop and doing my new dream job, which I actually love and have wanted for so long.

Realization: I’m grateful.

I’m so grateful it brought tears to my eyes. I’m grateful for this moment. A moment which I paused, to revel in. I stop and think, wait, I should enjoy this. I should be grateful for this. And I am. And I think, isn’t this what happiness is almost like? Perfect little details and satisfactions that make you feel alive and thankful to be right here, right now. Then I wonder if it’s a little sad that I have to probe myself to recognize happiness. I wonder if this makes me sad, then realize that no, it doesn’t.  That there is a difference between melancholy and sadness, and that it shouldn’t be sad sad sad all the time, and that a little melancholy is ok, is fine. It doesn’t make you depressing.

Have I been mislabeling myself all this time as sad? Instead of maybe nostalgic, apprehensive or, as in this case, melancholic?. Has a limited emotional vocabulary instilled a depressing image of myself into well, myself? Could I really not be as sad as I sometimes think I am?

All these thoughts and one thing for sure, I’m grateful for right now. I’m grateful for feeling like I belong in a place somehow, a place in my head. Or feeling fulfilled in a way, even it’s just a job.

It feels good. There’s so much magic Fairouz can do to you.