Sometimes I forget to breathe. It's true. I feel lightheaded and my heart starts slamming in my chest and I realize I haven't been breathing. Sometimes, when I'm driving, I suddenly realize I'm swerving out of my lane and rapidly accelerating towards my neighbors. I've lost focus. Again.
I would hear my favorite song on the radio and not sing along. He would offer to carry the heavy files off my arms and I would snap that I'm not that incapacitated. I would rummage through the pile of clothes on the floor searching for that ugly practical shirt. I would pour my cup of coffee and only notice when I've finished it.
I stopped writing. I stopped seeking new music. I stopped reading books that take more than 5 mins of thought to decode the lines. I stopped dreaming of exciting new places to visit, I'm not going anywhere anyway.
It's so tiring, depriving yourself of beauty. You wake up one day and you realize you have stripped your world of color, shrunk it to fit your mold. It's about control you see, the smaller it is, the less likely it is to hurt. So many fucked up things happen to you that you can't control. So many things that are bound to mess up your head, your mood and your days. And despite all the 'choices' you can make to ignore those things and cling on to positivity and so on and so forth, you can't help but be brought down by their weight. Because sometimes, it is too unbelievable fucking much. But to have to fight on so many fronts every day without comfort is exhausting!
I think it's time I let go of my freakish controlling tendencies and just roll with the punches. Or well, the daisies in this case.
On another note, that wasn't exactly an introductory first post huh? oh well, there's always next time :) welcome me to the blogging world! yay.
in the spirit of the day, listen to beautiful rolling stones!