Wednesday, March 28, 2012

no more

I am not going to smile at you,
I am not going to force myself to be kind to you,
I am not going to force myself to be nice to you,
I am not going to consider your feelings,
I am not going to follow through with any obligation,
I am not running any errands,
I am not going to not smoke because you asked me to,
I am not going to work,
I am not going to fake aliveness just so I wouldn’t repel you.

I’m going to pray,
God knows I need someone who knows what they're doing.

The happy post can fuck it.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

because you dont understand..

I was angry and hurt and I wanted to get away, from you. So I did. I needed a space without you, without the toxic effect you’ve been having on me lately and so I created the space. I went about my life, saw all the usual and not so usual friends, went to all my usual and favorite places, and did whatever I wanted when I wanted to. I redefined every part not in terms of you, but me. I took away every possibility, every chance from you to disappoint me and ended up vanishing you. I did a lot of non-bitter thinking about you, us. I had so much perspective I’m afraid it made me into the third person, remote and detached.

And I realized. I realized I can breathe without you. I realized I can live without the comfort blanket I sometimes borrow from you. I realized you are not irreplaceable; you are as irreplaceable as I make you out to be. And I realized that romanticized version of you in my head, is probably of my own making. Unreal.

I realized all these realizations and it gave me strength, it gave me confidence to make the right choices for me. It made me less susceptible to disappointment because now I have the right picture in my head. For a while, I was very Gloria Gaynor.

And then it came crashing down on my head. For not all my reason and new found wisdom could stop those... those pangs. I miss you. No matter how much unscrewing you do and all the crap I have to put up with, I miss you so much. I miss you, the you I knew and love. The you who could make my day, my week. The you who loved me back in terms I could understand, could appreciate. The you I picked and decided that fuck it I’m going to love this you and I’m not going to hold back and I’m going to make it fabulous. Make us fabulous.

I failed.

You're my home. And I'm afraid in losing you, I would lose yet another home. So I feel like screaming my head off and stamping my feet and wailing so loudly that I want it back, I want you back goddamit! Because I know, what is lost cannot be brought back no matter how many talks we have, how many promises we make or how long you pretend you’re still into this, into me.

I waited for you to prove me wrong, but I’m tired of waiting and I sometimes secretly wish you just never happened at all.

p.s, I promised myself a happy post soon!

Friday, March 9, 2012

the truths that pepper your silence

And I fail to understand. How can you love someone when they are nowhere near perfect, but not when they are?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

the powers of the powerless

Recovering addicts are asked to make a list of the people they've hurt/destroyed throughout the period of their addiction. Then they're asked to make a list of all the negative, unhealthy personalities in their lives. The first list, they're asked to make amends with, apologize for their mistakes. The second list, they're asked to eliminate these individuals from their lives. The purpose is to start a new phase of the addict's life free of damaging influences that may cause a relapse in the recovery. I think it is also to help forget and overcome the associations of some people with certain destructive behaviors and acts, break patterns.

I would, for all intents and purposes, consider myself an addict.

If you consider the wider scope of addiction, not that just confined to substance/alcohol/sex/food abuse, you will find me right there in the middle of it. Waving miserably.

Back to the lists. So I sometimes get this thought that maybe I should clean myself up, clean my life up and start afresh new page.. bla bla bla. And this leads me to the lists. I start thinking about the people in my life, who would I like to apologize to and start with a clean conscience and who I should cut away.

The Apology List is not long. I don't know if this attests to my integrity, or to my self-denial but whatever. It has my father in it, and my grandparents. And it has him. Although when I think about how I can do that, the pictures I get prompt a wave of panic. I think he might spit at me.

The Elimination List is a mile long. I have, proudly, succeeded in assembling an excellent mix of all-the-wrong-people-to-have-in-your-life. Excellent I say.

Some of them are friends. Those who really offer nothing to me in return and just suck the life out of me. Those who make me feel like I need to pretend I'm someone else, someone worse, when I'm with them. 

And you. At the top of the list, there's you.

And so the lists are kinda pointless and snobbish. And honest. I like to revisit the lists. Keep them in my head for periodic updates. Maybe I like them for the sense of power they give me over my helplessness, the illusion of control over my life. But then I never do anything about them which makes me feel more helpless, and it's the same cycle all over again.

Didn't I say I was an addict.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

morris code

I understand how much you admire yourself,
I understand the way you surround yourself with people who will only tell you what a work of art you are
and applaud your every move.
I understand you don't feel the need to be a better person to those who treat you best.
I understand.
I'm finding your selfishness extremely disagreeable.

I'm beginning to really not like you anymore.