Saturday, March 17, 2012

because you dont understand..

I was angry and hurt and I wanted to get away, from you. So I did. I needed a space without you, without the toxic effect you’ve been having on me lately and so I created the space. I went about my life, saw all the usual and not so usual friends, went to all my usual and favorite places, and did whatever I wanted when I wanted to. I redefined every part not in terms of you, but me. I took away every possibility, every chance from you to disappoint me and ended up vanishing you. I did a lot of non-bitter thinking about you, us. I had so much perspective I’m afraid it made me into the third person, remote and detached.

And I realized. I realized I can breathe without you. I realized I can live without the comfort blanket I sometimes borrow from you. I realized you are not irreplaceable; you are as irreplaceable as I make you out to be. And I realized that romanticized version of you in my head, is probably of my own making. Unreal.

I realized all these realizations and it gave me strength, it gave me confidence to make the right choices for me. It made me less susceptible to disappointment because now I have the right picture in my head. For a while, I was very Gloria Gaynor.

And then it came crashing down on my head. For not all my reason and new found wisdom could stop those... those pangs. I miss you. No matter how much unscrewing you do and all the crap I have to put up with, I miss you so much. I miss you, the you I knew and love. The you who could make my day, my week. The you who loved me back in terms I could understand, could appreciate. The you I picked and decided that fuck it I’m going to love this you and I’m not going to hold back and I’m going to make it fabulous. Make us fabulous.

I failed.

You're my home. And I'm afraid in losing you, I would lose yet another home. So I feel like screaming my head off and stamping my feet and wailing so loudly that I want it back, I want you back goddamit! Because I know, what is lost cannot be brought back no matter how many talks we have, how many promises we make or how long you pretend you’re still into this, into me.

I waited for you to prove me wrong, but I’m tired of waiting and I sometimes secretly wish you just never happened at all.

p.s, I promised myself a happy post soon!

1 comment:

  1. ur words touched me ... as i'm in the same dammit phase ,, just in a break to reach a rational decision ,,, & i ve the same conflicts and feelings u r talking about ...