On so many levels beyond the subject of this particular piece, who I am now is so completely different from who I used to be, and I’m pretty sure from what I will become in a bit. So many of my convictions have drastically changed and turned around, so many ideas turned out to be completely ridiculous and so many thoughts were replaced by age-wise revelations. I am almost someone else.
I used to think I never wanted to be “normal”, I never wanted to conform. I never wanted to be the good, obedient daughter or the good obedient wife or student or society member or anything. I never wanted to do things according to everybody else. And I never wanted to get married. Actually that’s an understatement. I NEVER EVER, EVER NOT IN A GAZILLION YEARS wanted to get married. I passionately disbelieve in the organization of marriage, I have seen so many failed examples, and the survivors are not very encouraging examples of success, they are usually ghosts, washed-out versions of themselves who have completely lost their identity. It doesn’t make sense to me. No, I will never get married.
Well, not so much anymore.
I still don’t want to conform. I still don’t want to be like everybody else, senselessly traditional and unhappy. I still don’t want to be normal. I still want to be me and my own person and not someone’s anything.
But, I am getting married.
It doesn’t make sense really, I still think it’s a terrible organization, I still know very, very few people who have come out of it unscathed. But, and there’s a huge but, I found someone. I found my person. I found someone who makes me (and everybody else, really) laugh hardest all the time. I found someone who is the most supportive someone I know. I found someone who has stuck with me through thick and thin. Someone reliable. Someone kind and real. I found someone who loves me unconditionally, despite all my flaws. I found someone I can trust with my life.
And as he likes to say, someone who likes the chicken leg to my chicken breast. (don’t try.)
And it makes a little more sense now.
That it doesn’t necessarily have to mean you hand over your own ID badge and cease to exist. That’s just silly. That it’s not about “making it” or succeeding, or producing the perfect “family” (shudders!) or being just like everybody else. Its simpler really, it’s about finding someone you love and never wanting to let them go. The rest is manageable. And if its not, at least I have someone who laughs at it with me.
I'M GETTING MARRIED.